I know it's been quite a while since I've gone MIA in my previous blog, and I know that some of those who have been following my old blog are curious to know why I was silent for a long time, why I put up this new blog and why I'm back.

I'd first like to thank those who have taken note of my absence and asked about how I'm doing and left me nice messages. Maraming salamat for taking the time to do so. They have been so uplifting at such a depressing time for me. Thank you!

So what happened to me? Sigh. This is going to be a long story.

After the Christmas break, I was bleeding (the way women bleed) for more than a month, almost two months. Because I am the world's greatest procrastinator, I waited till I was almost bled dry to go see a doctor. After a couple of (very discomforting) tests, it turns out that I have an abnormality that causes me to bleed irregularly and other...upsetting symptoms best not mentioned here.

So right now, I'm on a therapy for three months after which I have to go back to do more tests to see if my body is responding as hoped. I just gotta say, the medicines' side effects are driving me crazy. I'm nauseous all the time and I get chest discomfort at times, particularly at bedtime. And the metallic taste on food...ugh! For the first few weeks of therapy, I felt like throwing up all the time.

With all that I'm going through, it has simply wiped off the joy from that which I used to love to do, including blogging. I guess for a while there, I was on the brink of depression. I frantically dug a hole  where I can hide to choke in self-pity and all that crap. (I don't know why, but I seem to have a thing for self-torture. I knew that keeping myself occupied with my old habits and hobbies was the pill to ease the anguish but I cringed away from that. The very thought of acting normal made me shudder).

I wanted to just stay under the sheets and go on being depressed. I stopped praying. But since I had to go to work, I forced myself to get up each day and leave the house and face people. And when I got home I went straight to bed. I was numb, and that is the worst feeling ever, to simply stop feeling and stop caring.

I don't know at which point it was that I got some sense knocked into me. It must have been that night I was coming home late, and the pedicab (our version of cab here) that I was riding in passed by a hotel which had these big, bright Christmas star lanterns that they have not taken down yet hanging from the trees clustered around the building. It was like in the movies where crucial scenes play in slow motion, I stared at those stars for a long time, feeling as if everything was moving slowly. For some reason, I couldn't take my eyes off the glowing stars. I felt something move inside me and I wanted to cry at that moment. I was able to hold it back till I got to my bedroom and there I cried hard, and long.

Until now I don't know why the sight of those lanterns affected me that way. But I guess I literally thank my lucky stars coz since that night, I decided that I choose not to be sad and depressed. I had no control over my disorder, but I can control how I feel about it. Life is supposed to be all about the choices that we make right? And God gave us free will and reason, so we can think and mull over the options available to us and to pick that which we think is best for us.

Most of the time, I don't know what's best for me (just ask my Dad). But I do know that Ebenezer Scrooge became who he was because he chose to be that way.

I don't know if it's a good idea to answer the next question in this same post (seeing that it has already been a long post) but since I'm already on this train of thought, I might as well go ahead.

I have a new blog for a simple reason- I wanted to start over. That is how I would describe me right now- flipping onto a new, clean, unwritten page and start over. I would still give away freebies of course, as it used to give me so much joy and I do want to recapture that. But this time, I'll do it it on my own pace and with less pressure on myself. I may not however be able to work on doodles and drawings for freebies and sale as often as before since I have to deal with the side effects of the therapy. I'll just take it a day at a time. And I will try to write more.

Right now, I've gone back to writing in my journal every day as I find it therapeutic and it sort of keeps my thoughts on track. I've also added drawings into my pages. Here's one:

I just smudged most of the entries because they are a bit personal. :-D

Now, why I'm back to blogging? For a host of reasons, but what really pulled me back were the thoughtful messages other bloggers and scrapbookers left for me in my previous blog and emails. Honestly, it felt nice to be missed and wanted, which meant I was doing something right in my previous blog. I don't know if it was because of my freebies, or my writing or a combination of both, but I felt good when I read the messages asking where I was and wishing that I was doing well.

Now, my only hope is you guys would still be here with me as I start over :-)

3 croaks:

Laura says:
at: February 27, 2009 at 7:38 AM said...

i can honestly say that i've checked your blog many times in the past two months, wondering where you had gone so suddenly. so glad you're back to blogging, and hope you feel better soooon!


at: March 3, 2009 at 5:57 AM said...

You're doing the right thing. Look after yourself and have as less stress as possible. Do things at your own pace.

Pauline (UK)
at: March 12, 2009 at 2:25 AM said...

Take care and grow strong, we miss you.